just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
