Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
my shit smells like andre
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Be still, my beating vagina.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
