Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
