mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
