U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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