Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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