Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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