I accidentally had phone sex last night
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
