coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
FUCK WHALES
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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