just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
