$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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