no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
