My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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