I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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