rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
