got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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