I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
They took my balls.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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