I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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