If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
nutella sex= disaster
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
