I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
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