saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
