i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
