so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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