he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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