So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
