all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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