Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
