Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I need a burrito and a hug.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis