I think I just saw someone hide a body.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.