"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
