Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I want her autograph on my taint
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.