I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
