call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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