Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
