im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
