wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
