i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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