The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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