my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
