Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just gift wrapped bread.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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