You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just gargled with NyQuil
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
