Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Why is your signature on my underwear?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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