i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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