I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
