my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
