No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
