im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
