someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
