my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
