He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
