I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
In America we eat man semen.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
