I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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