you're like a bully in the Christmas story
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."