Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
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Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.