There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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