you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
