it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
