there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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