Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
