my phone needs a breathalizer
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
