Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
bring money and cleavage
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
